The Sacramental Church of Assured Mortality.

Bland, Dense and Nothingy

Firstly, just in case anyone is worried that this isn't a "proper" Church, with a "proper" minister please let me reassure you:

Proclamation of Ordination

Thank you Reverend Peter D. Marshall

Please understand that IF this is not your LEGAL name, this is not a valid ordination. If it is, there's no need to worry. We are referring to everything after the "Reverend" part above. Assumed names and "taken" names are NOT acceptable. ALL states require ministers to sign legal contracts with their legal name. This applies to your Ordination Certificate and any Marriage License you may sign. If this name is NOT your legal name, please let us know immediately and we will make the necessary changes. Also, if your name legally changes or other information needs to be updated, please let us know so that the registry has your current information at all times.

Effective Monday, March 28, 2005 ,

I, Douglas E. Hickman, Ordaining officer of the Universal Ministries, do Ordain, Anoint, Appoint, and Select you for placement into our Registry of Ministry. This means that from this day forward, unless you request to be removed, you are a minister with the Universal Ministries. This being said, we welcome you into our Ministries of Universal Acceptance. Please visit our Ministries Website at: http://www.universalministries.com/


Go in Faith
Rev. D.E. Hickman, DM, OSD
Universal Ministries
http://www.universalministries.com/
 

And here's more proof, for those doubting Thomas's. 

So that's all right :-)

So what has SCAM got to offer you in this increasingly secular society that you wouldn't get from a different church?  Well, I like to think that our ministry is primarily focused on the great universal truth that, while certainly a feature of other churches, doesn't get the emphasis that it should.

"Why are people afraid of death?  Most people are worried by uncertainty, but you know you're going to die, it's about the only thing you can be certain of."  

That's a quote from my 16 year old daughter....

Welcome to the Sacramental Church of Assured Mortality!  A carefully chosen name for several reasons.  SCAM, hereinafter known as The Church, is here because, following much thought and meditation upon the matter, I believe I have a universal truth to impart which should inform all our actions but all to often does not.  But I should perhaps point out that I do not have the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything.....

Actually that's wrong, I do!  As revealed by His Holiness Douglas Adams, the ANSWER is 42, but all that shows is that we are asking the wrong question.  And I think that's a very insightful point, there is no single answer to the questions "Why am I here?" "What is the point of existence?" etc.  Indeed those questions themselves are probably entirely meaningless, at least framed in those terms.

So what is this universal truth that I think you should know?  Well, if you haven't worked it out from the name of The Church and the quote above it is simply this:
 

We are ALL going to die.

Obvious huh?  Now depending on your belief or otherwise in an afterlife that could be viewed as a very negative, unhelpful statement, but I don't see it in quite those terms.  It is just a statement of fact, what YOU do with it depends on YOU.  Life, frankly, is short.  In many ways that's probably not a bad thing.  There is a lot of talk these days of the possibility of extending the human lifespan significantly, into the 100s of years.  Well maybe that's great for some people who can afford it (there's some Robert Heinlein you should probably read at this point) but I think I shall have had quite enough of working myself stupid for 45 years if they even let me retire at 65.  By the time I get there there probably won't be any money for pensions anyway and I'll be working till I drop, God forbid that should be another 100 years!

Oooh, a mention of God!  Now might be a good time to discuss religion.  As you know, I AM an ordained minister and I encourage you to visit the website of the Church that ordained me.  They seem very open minded and I have no issues with anything I have read on their website as yet.  Personally I consider myself mostly agnostic, with a leaning towards the probability that everything in the Universe is just a large accident (and hopefully someone will come and clear it up soon).  (Though if there is a heaven I want the Angels to look like this or this.)

The Sacrament in the name of The Church, BTW, is a slice of radish, left out in the open for a couple of days.  It was the result of leaving a radish out of the fridge overnight that triggered the events leading to this website so it seems appropriate.  I urge you all to try it, the differences between the condition of a radish in the fridge and one outside for a few days are striking.  Unfortunately the humble radish has also been responsible for the first major schism in The Church, a small group of followers having taken this symbol of mortality for more than a symbol have grossly misunderstood the central tenets therein manifested and have formed a breakaway sect, a "cult" if you will, the Church of the Radish of Awesome Power.  We will not talk of them again.

If I ever find a way of turning that slice of radish into a dusty wafer then that will then become the Sacrament, but until then the Sacrament remains as it is.
 

As I say, the truth was revealed to me through the decay of an unrefrigerated radish.  I think the unrefrigerated part of that is important, as in today's busy world it is easy to overlook slow events, like the gradual decay of vegetables in the fridge or the process of ones own aging.  The speed at which this particular radish virtually disappeared was a huge surprise and made me consider the implications more deeply than I had before.

More to follow, honest.....  Meanwhile here's a sermon to be going on with.  4/7/2006

It's probably time for another one, this one is short, honest.  18/9/2006

All sermons are here.

Home

This site was last updated 09/18/06